Monday, June 2, 2014

Letter to my parents asking if we can get a pet elephant.

Dear mom and dad,

How are you? Mom, have you lost weight? Dad, you are looking pretty trim yourself. As you probably know, I have been feeling kind of lonely lately. It would be so great not to feel that way anymore. I know what you are thinking. "Why is Nate asking us about our weight" Don't dwell too long on that. It's a compliment. Really. It is.

Anywho, we have Duncan, our precious little wiener dog. He is great, but just like all of us, he is getting older. He keeps me company at night when I can't sleep, but he also kind of likes to do his own thing. He won't be around forever. I don't like thinking about it. It makes me feel bad.

Now, I love animals so much. I think that they are put on earth to give people joy, and crazy "When Animals Strike Back" episodes on the Fox Network. There was this one guy that jumped into a bush to dodge his drunk brothers bullet. They were shooting cans, but the guy thought it would be great to start shooting at his brother. The brother didn't get hit, but the guy dove into the bush where a rattlesnake was hiding. The snake bit the guy and he died. Anyway, that doesn't have anything to do with what I am about to ask you, but the story makes me laugh.

So, here we go. I would really like to get a new pet. Now, I thought long and hard about this. I really think that getting a pet elephant would be the best option. You probably think I am crazy, but I rationally worked it out by making a pros and cons list. Here they are.

Pros, They bathe themselves. We just need a little plastic children's swimming pool, and he will do the rest. They never forget things. We can make money off of the kids in the neighborhood by giving them rides on the elephant. Pretty soon , it will start paying for itself. We could rent him out to movie companies that are looking for elephants. I saw this movie once where a guy picked up a baby elephant and threw it a few feet away. It was a martial arts movie, and man, that was the highlight.
Best Elephant Throw Ever....   Also, we can put it out to stud, make new baby elephants, and sell them, but only after they grow up. We don't want to break the mother's heart.

Here are the cons. The city zoning people would have to make up a new law about having elephants as a pet, probably not in our favor. The elephant dung would be hard to clean up, but that is why we can just ride him around the corner and do his business on another lawn, which could make our neighbors hate us. Also, they could be loud making their elephant sounds, and could do it in the middle of the night, causing us to not sleep. Oh, and we would have to constantly look out for poachers trying to get at the elephant's tusks. I hate those guys.

Anyway, I think it is something we need to do. Maybe we can call celebrated elephant authority Dame Daphne Sheldrick that rescues baby elephants and adopt one. I will personally see that it gets here by checking our UPS website everyday for delivery conformation. We might have to go to the post office to pick it up, though.

You know. I don't really want to drive five minutes over the United Postal Service, so let's just drop the whole elephant thing.



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